The person that introduced me to kpop, we’ll call her J, was a SHINee stan. For those who are not aware of them, SHINee is a 4 member k-pop group, that originally had 5 members and debuted back in 2008. They have been pretty big ever since their debut, even being nicknamed “the princes of kpop”. A song of theirs named “Ring Ding Dong” was banned from radio play cause it was so big of an earworm. So yea, they were a big thing. Unfortunately one of their member, Jonghyun, passed away in 2017. He was a renowned songwriter, and was basically friends with the entire kpop music industry. So, his death was a pretty big in the k-pop world and South Korea. And Jonghyun was her bias too. To cope with her death, She started thinking of him as her guardian angel and started attributing all her achievements, all the times she was saved from a catastrophe to him. We had this convo in 2020 and we kinda had a fallout in the start of 2021, and I kinda dropped k-pop following that.

I’m not gonna lie, at that time, I did think the was rather childish and did not understand what part of this was comforting to her, but I never brought up this thought with her to not hurt her feelings. This all changed in September of 2021. That’s when my dad’s brother’s older cousin passed away in a bike accident.

I only spent my toddlerhood (is that even a word lol?) with AJ, his family moved to Australia in 2007, I think. We rarely talked on calls or video calls. But it kinda all changed in 2014, when his family came back to spend the summer vacations here. This might sound like too much to say, but I believe those 3 months really changed what my next 10 years would turn out like. He had an iPad which was an introduction of a whole new world to me. I learned about the internet, Smosh, Youtube, Miniclip games, and even Plants Vs. Zombies, which is one of my fav games to date just because it was one of the few memories that i have with him, all because of him. I kept note of all the things he taught be about, and i looked them up when i got an iPad of my mine later that year.

I’m a only child. And all of my cousins, including AJ, have a siblings. So, i’ve always yearned for a sibling but never really got one lol 😔. But spending those 3 months with AJ and Gary (that is AJ’s younger sibling) was the time when that void of not having a sibling was filled, even if it was for sometime. So that time has a very special place in my heart.

I received a call from my aunt’s son at 6 in the morning on 26th Sept. I slept in late that night so I didn’t plan on waking up early so i almost didn’t pick up the call but sth in me prompted me to pick up the call. I was in so much shock that I didnt believe that AJ passed away up until later that day. I had so many things planned to say and do when I was gonna meet him in the future but it hurt so much to think that i will never be able to do them or hear his voice again. It was on my bucket list for soo long to thank AJ in the flesh for the time that we spent together and how it shaped me and my interests. Guess it will never be ticked off 🙁

That’s when i started thinking about J and her relationship with Jonghyun. I ironically tried accrediting AJ for all the times i achieved something or when i was saved from a bad thing by a bell. And I kid you not, it’s soo fucking comforting. It’s not even funny. I guess it’s the thought of him caring about me in afterlife and being there for me which feels like a big warm hug. It has made me cherish him more but miss him even more.

I’ve been doing this was almost 4 years at this point and i’ve only every talked about this with another person. I feels so nice to be able to get this off my chest in form of this blog.

I miss you so much, AJ. Don’t know how long it will take but i look forward to having a lunch with you :)